- Lael

I woke up and I felt all warm and safe like I always do when I’m curled up under my covers in the morning. And I naively thought, “Oh, today won’t be soooo bad.”

I was so wrong. The SECOND I got out of bed I felt like crap. I logged onto facebook and that was a mistake, and now every few minutes it seems like I just randomly burst into tears. It’s dreadful. So I just texted Jake and told him that I wouldn’t be in anthropology, because I don’t want to have some kind of embarrassing breakdown in that class.

I really, really wish that you were here right now. I mean, I’ve missed you the whole time you were gone, but most of the time, I didn’t dwell on it. Today, I am dwelling on a lot of things. And I think I miss you right now more than I’ve ever missed you in my whole entire life. Everything feels like it’s falling apart, and I never even knew how much just having you around fixed it, even if all you did was complain with me.

BUT, the one good thing that came of me checking my facebook was that I read this:

words from The Man himself… “Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled nor let it be afraid for I will give you peace today.” What’s cool about Jesus and for me the whole point, is that he “gets it”. he lived here. he knows. he’s a lot closer to our realities than we sometimes let him be. human pain and emotion in its essence is always the same. it doesn’t matter if it was 2000 years ago or yesterday. grief and pain transcend the limits. he came so he would know. he knows and he loves us and he can take our darkest experiences and turn them into light because he is god and that is his gift to us. you aren’t alone. in many, many ways you aren’t alone. ♥

You probably already saw it, but in case you didn’t, Rebecca said that to Zac. I think it’s the one thing I saw and felt good about, you know? Rebecca always knows what to say, I think. Somebody should make a Rebecca quotes book, or something, like the ones they have for Mother Teresa.

I love you. I miss you. I’m so glad you’re coming home really soon.

-Lael

Sometimes I feel terribly insignificant. Like, I hear about all these things that people have done, or these events that people have lived through, and then I feel like I’ve never done anything or been through anything. Gosh, my life has been so simple. And I guess that’s something I should probably be thankful for. But I’m not. I’m exhausted from doing all of the ridiculous things that other people want me to do. For example, going to college is really taking it out of me. I’m not enjoying most of my classes, at all. I don’t feel like I’m learning anything. It’s just miserable. I know you get out of it what you put into it and all that rot, but the fact is that I have tried so hard to paint a bright face on it, and I can’t take it anymore. I know what kinds of things I want for my life. I’ve always known that. This isn’t helping me get there.

Clearly, what I need is to go to a town where there are scores of poetic, Catholic boys. Ones that don’t want to live in a huge house and have a perfect little family. I want a boy who’s spontaneous, who can be perfectly serious but who can also make me laugh and laugh. One who wants kids (and doesn’t mind that I’ve already got a trillion kids’ names picked out). One who wants to be poor, but happy. Someone who loves life every second, but is God-fearing. One who will sing to me when I’m down. One who can tell me how he feels and be straightforward with me. One who’s not too tidy, but not too messy. I know that it sounds contradictory, but I don’t want the perfect man. I just want somebody who suits me, who can fit into my crazy, messy life and just go with it, instead of trying to craft me into someone perfect. He won’t care if I’m not the prettiest, or the cleverest, or the most organized, or that I’m the slowest drinker (of any beverage) known to man-kind. I want someone who can’t afford that nice, fancy ring, but who’ll propose to me in a way that’s so wonderful, it’ll make me want to cry. I want someone who doesn’t care that I can’t afford to have some big, white wedding. I want someone who I can share a cozy little house with, where we’re all cramped but it’s okay because we all love each other so much.

Yeah, so I’m a romantic. I know you are, too, but in a different way. I know you live a little classier than I do. I know you think it’s okay if the guy springs for a nice ring, and I don’t. You know that I want to be poor but happy. That doesn’t seem like a high expectation for life, does it?

Instead, I’m middle-class and quasi-miserable. I’m not free like I want to be.

Don’t get me wrong. If you asked me what I was thankful for today, the first thing I would say would be “my family.” I adore my family. (As far as I’m concerned, that includes you. You’ll always be family.) They do so much for me, you know? And they always want what’s best for me. But maybe we don’t see eye to eye on just what exactly that is, you know?

Hmm. I’m so whiny. I guess I just needed to vent. Let me start over:

Hello, my name is Kimberly Alice. It’s Thanksgiving, and I’ve got a lot to be thankful for. I don’t have a lot, but the things that I have are nice, and I’ve worked for them, and I love them. And more important than that, the most incredible people are in my life, and I am so blessed because of them! There’s no possible way that I could express how much I love them – I’ve tried, and it never comes out quite right. But they are the most wonderful people, and they all have such beautiful hearts. Best of all, I’ve got a Savior who died for me, and even if all I do is complain, I know that He will always, always love me. And no matter what, I will always adore Him. And at the end of the day, when I’m folding myself into bed, that’s all that really counts for anything.

Happy Thanksgiving, Cailey. Thanks for trying to call. You’re right, I was at Mass. But I was still grateful to get your texts. I love you very much.

So, I realized that I haven’t written in a good chunk of time, and decided to make another appearance on Juneaukids. Nothing much has been going on lately that’s worth noting. I haven’t had much time to do anything other than chemistry. Not even sleep, really. Tomorrow I’m skipping first and second to just sleep and I’m looking forward to it. After less than four hours of sleep last night (once again, due to chemistry homework), it will be bliss, I tell you, bliiiiisssss.

I just finished writing a homework assignment that ended up being the most interesting lit piece I’ve ever done. The homework was to write 16 “photographs,” or vignettes, on a certain topic. I chose to do the most poignant memories from last year and it ended up being an interesting study on what I considered to be poignant. Pretty much, I just wrote down the first things that came to mind, since those are usually the most important. Sometimes, random things showed up, like the”Touch the Props” game backstage during Jekyll & Hyde and that one time we got 15 pounds of free Pel Meni because you skipped school for the first time. It was just an interesting self study. And a crazy emotional roller coaster. It was not exactly a happy evening.

It’s getting late, and I’m gonna take advantage of this sleeping in deal. Hope you’re having fun hiking through the jungle and avoiding viscous Peruvian guinea pigs. (Did you ever see that South Park episode? It’s hilarrrious.)

-Lael

p.s. I just read this over before publishing and it’s kinda all over the place. I apologize. Once again, less than four hours of sleep. You should have seen me trying to do pre-calc today. It was just… sad.

We’re working on genealogy and family histories. I actually think that family history is super, super interesting. I think I could write a really, really interesting book on the various things that have happened in my family. Like, for example, my Great-great-great Grandpa Julius went crazy while in a hotel and tried to kill my Great-great-great Grandma Anna-Isabelle. She climbed out onto this ledge on the side of the building to get away. It must have been terrifying. Julius was then put into an institution (I’ve been working on finding records of this institutionalization…) and Grandma Anna-Isabelle worked as a teacher and raised children on her own. During that time, that was such a huge accomplishment. I wish I could sit down and have lunch with her, because she’s always seemed like such a strong, courageous woman. I always wanted to be like her when I was little. I’ve always imagined what she would be like.

ANYWAY, now that I’m done boring you with family histories…

We started our Bible study with Stephanie and Justin last Friday. I think it went really well. I’m enjoying the book that we’re using. Let’s see, aside from Lindy, Jana, Stephanie, Justin and I, the other people who attended were: Jayleen, Tessa, Jacob (Olmstead), Eric, and Emily. It was actually a good sized group. We also got to skype with Merijke, which was exciting. Also, and I’m sorry, Emily, if you’re reading this; I’m just going to tell you, Cailey, that Emily and Eric are very, very cute together. You’ll see when you get back, I suppose…

Hmm. What else to tell you? Oh! The Olmsteads got four new foster kids. There’s Matthew (age ten), Taralyn (age eight), Lydia (age six), and Kayla (age three). They seem to be adjusting pretty well from what I’ve seen, and they’re pretty good kids. They’ve just had very hard lives, and that does show in their manners a bit, you know? I think it will be good for them to be around other children. We got a hundred dollars to buy clothes for them (one hundred dollars per child, that is), and we got to go shopping. It was sort of fun! I’m going to love dressing up my kids some day.

I’m working on figuring out my schedule for next semester. This is sort of proving to be difficult, mostly because my classes aren’t quite fitting together just right. I’m sure I’ll figure it out. But it just reminded me that if you are taking anything, now is the time to register! I’m sure you can work with your mom on that.

Okay, there are getting to be a lot of notes, so I should probably take off. I’ll talk to you soon. You should probably call me sometime, stranger. And I was so sad to hear about Bella. I’m so sorry, dear.

Anyway, I remember that after I got that other surgery. Uh, molars? Biopsy? I don’t know which one. But whatever it was (seriously my words per minute is so slow right now and the space bar is really hard to hit) I was supposed to call you. I can’t call you, but I will write you this very badly written post.

Also, turns out when I get out of anesthesia, I start SOBBING. Maybe it was ’cause it’s a stressful week, or something cause last time I was under and then came out, I was just fine. At the most, a tad confused. But this time, I couldn’t stop crying until about fifteen minutes ago. It was… not fun? Reminds me of that photoalbum we named “Lael’s on a bad trip.”

So, now I have these tads in my teeth which makes me feel like frankentoof.
Also, Rochelle just texted me saying that she bought one of those hilarious striptease dance workout videos. We’re gonna get sexy fit together.

Emily told me to imagine holding a fluffy penguin on my lap when I was going under, but really, it didn’t matter, because once the nitrous started, I just had to concentrate on not laughing, ’cause I felt super ebarassed when I did. Although, I couldn’t wipe the stupid grin on my face that I had.

My mouth hurts. Ow. Can’t wait till the frankenteeth come out. I’m about to watch the best of Monty Python. Miso soup is my friend. Haven’t stopped listening to the Killers since Emily and I decided we were gonna cover them for our band.

OHYEAH. Emily and I are finally making our band come to fruition. We’re not sure what the name is (we’ve been deliberating over that for about a YEAR now) but we have a venue. And we’ve got a month to write, rehearse, practice, and learn the guitar. Yayyy. I’m stoked.

Okay. I’m tired. And hungry. And… I really can’t think of anything else except how amazing it would be to have a penguin sitting on your lap. Or if penguins were just everywhere and gave people hugs. I love penguins.

That wasn’t even drug induced, that sometimes goes through my normal train of thought. Ily!

-Lael

Forever is an exaggeration. I’m always exaggerating. (That was an exaggeration, because I only actually exaggerate some of the time. Usually late at night, when decent people are sleeping, or when I’m telling small children stories, which you know I’ve been known to do. My other shtick is creating masterful run-on sentences or being excessively tangential. Take your pick.)

Tonight, I feel like calling you Ben instead of Cailey. I haven’t done that since middle-school, really, but I’m going to do it now.

Ben, Benny, Benito (because I know you hate that variation of your nickname), I’ve been doing some thinking about things, and by some, I mean actually kind of mean a lot. But I can’t really come to any solid conclusions about anything at all, ever. I’m still trying to decide if soup is what I actually did want for dinner, or if what I really wanted was tacos. And that, Ben, is the root of my problem: wanting things. If I never wanted anything, well gosh, the world would really be a lot more simple, wouldn’t it? Like, I would never do anything. But I would also never feel miserable. Or maybe the PROBLEM comes from wanting material things, like more scrunchies or something. I don’t know, though. The things I want most – love, approval, joy – don’t really seem like material things, Benny-boop. I mean, they’re not completely in-tangential, either. They all have their physical aspects. But that’s not the point, is it? No, I don’t think so, though I’m inconclusive on that, too, because it could very well be someone’s point.

I realize that this is pretty open-ended, but that’s how my thoughts all sort of are tonight. So I’ll leave you to your thoughts before I further mangle old nicknames and memories, Benito-bear-baby-buffalo.

I love you, though, seriously, Bengal.

Yes. A Snuggie.

Anyway. Emily’s supposed to show up with Clefairy Says. I guess Zac just invited Jake M. as we speak. Kimber and I are going to finish a Rupert Grint movie. We started it earlier at your house and your mom made this super good Indian stir fry with this crazy good sauce. But then the knitting horde showed up, and there were only French subtitles available, so as you can imagine, we were not able to finish it or understand what was going on AT ALL. It was really nice though. :]

Typical Friday. I’m pretty content. Zac is just saying Snuggie over and over. I have a Mate date with Kurt Wade and a hot date with Eric Pak to see Where the Wild Things Are. If only we could make that hot date a threesome. :[

AND YOU’RE GOING TO SEE THE KILLERS. I’m oozing with jealousy. OOZING.
Seriously. I wish I was there so much. I would probably pass out just to pass out again with excitement. SO. JEALOUS.

That is all for now, I think.

-Lael

-Lael